The other day I was supposed to go across town for a friend’s birthday party. After a long bath, I stepped into my silver Manolos and pulled on a black velvet Burberry trench coat. The look I was going for was alluring and sophisticated. Feeling fabulous, I walked downstairs and hailed a cab. The driver was a middle aged, decent looking man. After telling him where I was going, I asked what time it was. He replied, “It is only 10 o’clock. You still have three more hours to go out and find someone to screw.” I was aghast. Since when did people think all young women hit the bars to find cheap thrills? Was it possible that human relationships had degenerated so deep into the gutter that common courtesy and respect had completely ceased to be concerns? And what was it about my elegantly chic appearance that screamed “easy lay”? As these existential questions scorched permanent wholes into my cerebrum, I asked the cabbie to immediately pull over. It was revolting to breathe same air as this jerk. Ultimately, the whole experience left me shaken, yet inspired to write about the various breeds of bastards we encounter in the urban jungle. Here go my inductions to the international jerks hall of shame. Ladies, be forewarned.

THE CONDESCENDING JERK

The only way this deeply insecure man can feel better about his pathetic self is to demean and abuse women. He lives for the thrill of hurting, emotionally tormenting and breaking the opposite sex. Often, troubled oedipal yearnings for his mother or other deep seated sexual conflicts lie at the heart of his venomous behavior. Completely incapable of emotional investment and compassion, he must be avoided at costs; lest you wish to rewrite a chapter from Tina Turner’s book. Just advise him to look into Freud and bid adieu.

THE EMOTIONALLY UNAVALIABLE JERK

We have all dated him. He is often successful, charming and handsome, but infrequently has been known to come in short, bald and unattractive packages. Despite his sociable and friendly demeanor, something terribly dark and sinister brews in him. Perhaps he is plagued by low self-esteem or rejection anxiety, but regardless of the source of his emotional retardation, this man’s inability to take a leap of faith renders him toxic. Either keep him at an arms length or, if you have sadistic inclinations, torment him. He is liable to relentlessly pursue any woman he cannot have, for his anxiety is inextricably tied to commitment issues, not necessarily females.

THE ASSUMING JERK

This is the kind of guy, who assumes buying a woman a drink or taking her out to dinner entitles him to an intimate (aka naked) ‘night cap’. The assuming jerk’s natural habitat is the bar scene, but during the day he lurks around every corner. He can often be spotted shooting cryptic glances across the room or laying his hands all over perfect strangers. The best way to deal with this loser is to completely ignore him. Shortly after being brutally rebuffed, he is sure to hone in on the next available gal with a pulse.

THE PREEMPTIVE JERK

Have you ever been ‘rejected’ by someone you did not want to be with in the first place? Closely related to the “Assuming Jerk Familia”, this subspecies cannot recognize his shortcoming to save his life. Blinded to his unappealing and, at times, intolerable qualities, he liberally jumps at every chance to reject ‘potential’ lovers. He can often be overheard making silly remarks like, “I would never date Denise Richards because she has a big mouth” or “Salma Hayek’s boobs are too voluptuous.” Either ignore him or, better yet, draw his attention to something more consequential and urgent, like the giant zit on his nose.

THE CHEATER JERK

His generic line is, “It is not what it seems”. The g-string lodged between the couch cushions, the used condom under the car seat and the long, blond hairs in his shower drain can all be explained. But don’t be fooled. Not even the most complicated unlikely scenarios will suffice to clear this shameless liar. Bite the bullet and dump him. P.S. If you are feeling intensely devious, you can always introduce him to an insufferable friend with remarkable psycho potential.

THE SELFISH JERK

Often spoiled rotten by his doting mommy the selfish jerk lives for himself. His favorite and first learned word in this world is without fail “ME.” An unabashed self-serving egoist, this so-called person is often unaware that the planets do not revolve around his axis. He likes to be in relationships with quiet, impressionable and non-confrontational types, as he can intimidate them to play supporting roles in his man-show. The best way to dump the selfish jerk is to bring him to the brink of a climax and stop short of the ‘goal line’ to tell him you never want to see him again.

THE SELF-IMPORTANT JERK

This man is often under the illusion that Wall Street might collapse if he puts down his cell phone for a split second. He is liable to pick up a call in the middle of having sex and bark orders at some poor subordinate. He never listens, as he always has better and far more significant concerns to ponder. Ultimately, whatever you are doing with your life (including working on the cure to cancer) pales in comparison to his grand achievements. Consequently, the best way to put a spear through the self important jerk’s atrophied heart is to leave him for a more accomplished, younger and better looking fellow.

THE MIND-GAMES
AFICIONADO JERK

This chap loves to play mind games. Unlike the generic, run of the mill guy (driven by unquenchable libidinal urges) the mind-games aficionado jerk derives pleasure from making conquests. He likes to hook women in and watch them squirm. To him, every woman is a potential notch on his bed post. He is likely to plan a date and never show up or say he will call and subsequently disappear from the face of the earth. The warnings signs for this personality disorder are unabashed unreliability and blatant unpredictability. If you detect a man is breaking his promises one too many times, tell him that you love him and you would like to have his children. That will definitely be the last you see of him.

We have all crossed paths with the kinds of men I have described in this article. Some times they have gotten under our skin like tattoo ink, and other times, their antics have rolled off our back like water. The fact of the matter is that they exit. Thus, recognizing ubiquitous male personality disorders is a woman’s much needed compass in the high waters of dating. Otherwise, I am afraid, not even a life jacket can save her.